


Emergency Protocol

by Tekhnetos



Series: Robot Pickup Lines [1]
Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Flirting, M/M, stupid pickup lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11232582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tekhnetos/pseuds/Tekhnetos
Summary: Later on in the day, Metal would consume a rather large chunk of processing power in an effort to generate a reasonable excuse to give to Eggman as to why he had needed to access the bases internet in the middle of his fight with Sonic in order to look up the phrase ‘robot pickup lines’.No reasonable excuse would be found.





	Emergency Protocol

Metal Sonic was rapidly becoming aware of the fact that he was losing this fight, and losing it badly. This was an unacceptable outcome; the doctor would throw a tantrum of epic proportions if he couldn't obtain this emerald. Sonic and his little group already had three emeralds to the doctor’s one, and the robot’s creator was becoming more irritable by the day.

Given that all of his carefully pre-planned tactics had failed thus far, Metal had resorted to cycling through nearly everything in his data base - as best he could while keeping up with sonic - desperately searching for any course of action that could possibly give him the advantage, even for just long enough to obtain the emerald from the other. He would then be able fly off where his organic counterpart could not follow. Once he had the emerald his victory was assured - it was simple and neat. If only he had not been missing the vital step of how he was actually going to get the emerald off Sonic.

Several plans were rapidly made, and then discarded almost immediately before his processors finally returned a possible tactic: Flirt. 

Metal paused long enough to wonder what strange, neglected corner of his hard drive that idea had crawled out from before he was rapidly reminded of the battle taking place by Sonic’s foot slamming into his midsection.

As he fought to keep up with the blue hedgehog he tried to make sense of the suggestion; The course of action seemed irrational. There was no reason that it would work on his counterpart. Metal was not an organic life form and was generally perceived as male - as far as a machine could have a gender anyway - so there was no reason to think that Sonic would respond to flirting from him. But there must have been a reason that it had come up as a viable option in the first place.

On the other hand, it was possible that the shock value might unbalance the hedgehog. And he was out of other options… it couldn't make the situation worse to try. Yes, that was probably why his database had turned that up. A simple distraction tactic to unbalance the enemy and nothing more. That made perfect sense. There was nothing irregular about that at all.

“Hey, come on Mets! You’re not even paying attention! You’ll never win like that!”

Sonic’s shout through the trees interrupted Metal once again, and he noticed with some irritation that the hedgehog had gotten ahead of him by a significant margin. That would not do. He decided that he would implement the suggested tactic immediately.

“Well maybe you should stop being so distracting.” 

That certainly got Sonic’s attention. The hedgehog’s head snapped around to look at Metal “What?” 

“I said, stop being so distracting.” Had the hedgehog gone deaf? Metal knew perfectly well that Sonic was capable of hearing him just fine at that distance and volume. 

“How am I distracting?” Sonic demanded from were he was, Metal noticed, significantly less far ahead than he had been.

“You’re pretty.” Given that Metal had no data to draw on for this situation - a matter that he would rectify immediately, he needed to be prepared for any possible situation - he calculated that he likely had the best chance of success if he stuck to the truth, at least as far as compliments went, in order to avoid having to generate them as he went. 

Sonic stopped dead in his tracks, “What?” And alright, that had not been the most eloquent thing Metal had ever said, but it had served the purpose well enough all things considered. Sonic had already been deprived of his lead, which was more than Metal had been hoping for. 

“You're pretty and I am finding it distracting,” Metal explained, though he failed to see how that could possibly be confusing “what about that are you finding difficult to understand exactly?” he asked as he circled slightly closer to the still immobile hedgehog.

“But I -,” Sonic stammered and then cut himself off abruptly, flushing pink. Metal very deliberately did not note that the shade was very appealing on Sonic’s face.

“I don't know how else I can explain it to you. What else do you want from me?” 

Later on in the day Metal would consume a rather large chunk of processing power in an effort to generate a reasonable excuse to give to Eggman as to why he had needed to access the bases internet in the middle of his fight with Sonic in order to look up the phrase ‘robot pickup lines’. 

No reasonable excuse would be found. 

Metal made a noise that would probably have translated to a sigh if he had lungs, this was beneath him. He was a state of the art battle bot built solely to do high speed combat, a masterpiece of engineering. He should not have to stoop as low as this in order to gain an advantage; but what was the expression? Go big or go home? He'd already made an absolute fool of himself, so since it seemed to be an effective tactic he might as well keep going. “Are you composed of Copper and Tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.” 

“What!?”

“You seem to be having some trouble understanding me, so I am trying another approach.” Metal continued creeping closer to Sonic, who still still had not moved at all from where he had originally stopped and seemed to be severely confused. He continued, because really, why the hell not at this point, “Is it hot out here or did your internal fan system just crash?”

All that this produced was another, slightly hysterical “What!?” from Sonic and some hyperventilating, which was shame really since Metal had though that one had actually been semi-decent.

“Sonic,” Metal interrupted the hedgehog’s panic, “are you sure you should be fighting? Your brain function appears to be impaired. You should be able to understand me fine. You never seemed to have this trouble before.” 

Metal had managed to get within two meters of the still unmoving Sonic, which had the side effect of giving the robot an unobstructed view of the hedgehog’s face, which by this point had gone right on passed pink and through to - in Metal’s opinion - a particularly fetching shade of crimson. He also appeared to be hyperventilating at a rate that might cause him to pass out if he did not calm down soon. Still, that would only work to the robots advantage. A little closer and the emerald would be Metal’s.

“Am I alright!? What's wrong with you!?” Shrieked the hedgehog in a somewhat more hysterical tone. 

“There is nothing wrong with me. I am functioning at optimal capacity.” The robot replied as he finally came within reach of Sonic and swiped the Chaos Emerald from the hedgehog’s unresisting grip. It seemed that confusion tactics were far more effective than he had previously anticipated they would be. Then again, the only data that Metal had on the topic were memories of Sonic’s interactions with Amy Rose that he had observed. This was again, something that the doctor had not deemed it necessary to provide Metal with data on. One subject was not an adequate sample size to draw a conclusion from; the reason for this inadequacy was just that Metal had never been drawn to investigate the topic further. This was a mistake as it was a clearly a weak point in his nemesis.

Sonic was still standing there with the same expression of surprise on his face, as though he could not comprehend what was going on. As he fired up his engine for takeoff Metal felt compelled to fit in one more line, “Was that my CPU malfunctioning or did I just feel a spark between us?”

As he watched Sonic seemed to be going into the organic life form equivalent of a full shutdown and reboot. Well then… Metal should have known better than to doubt his programming. Metal tilted his head the side, “This tactic was far more effective than previously anticipated. I will remember it.”

Sonic came back to his senses just in time to watch Metal disappear over the treetops with the chaos emerald clutched in his claws. Now alone in the forest, the hedgehog buried his burning face in his hands and screamed.

**Author's Note:**

> The first one shot in a planned trilogy. My apologies for the questionable quality of my work.


End file.
